The 5 Most Famous Samurai To Ever Live

The 5 Most Famous Samurai To Ever Live

So, you want to learn about ancient Japanese Samurai huh? Why? Are you writing a book report on it? Oh - you want to open a successful dropshipping company and you know that the Samurai are the best people to look up to! You are definitely a well adjusted person and not an insane psychopath who has magical delusional thinking.

You, once you read this article.

Ancient and wise Japanese samurai are some of the best people to look up to. They were masculine, physically strong, and had great strategic minds - all the things required for you to run a modern day dropshipping business from your house. That is why YOU should base your entire life and personality off these five amazing samurai. If you do, you’ll be super successful with lots of money - and many women will throw themselves at you (even if you don’t follow my guide on how to get a girlfriend).

Number Five

Yasuke, the Black Samurai

Yasuke displays all the great qualities of a samurai, with the added benefit of being a racial minority. There is nothing more masculine than being enslaved, and then being so damn good at killing people they make you a freed servant with a paycheck. Did Yasuke complain about racial inequality in Shogunate Japan? I don’t think so. In fact, the racist nature of Japan saved his life at one point. Since the Japanese view black people as animals they did not care when he broke the law, so I guess that’s a win?

It is unsure how Yasuke ended up in Japan, but in our educated opinion he was most likely brought to Japan by the Portuguese as a slave. The Japanese were (and still are) intrigued by “blackness”, so they asked for him to stick around. 

Yasuke basically had a get out of jail free card for anything he did, and that alone makes him VERY cool. So if you wish to be a masculine samurai, you should look up to Yasuke and realize that by being an oddity and freak can probably get away with all sorts of crimes.

Number Four

Captain Nathan Algren (Tom Cruise)

Captain Nathan Algren is the fourth greatest Samurai in history, because he embodies the “spirit” of the typical gaijin who travels to Japan. You will have a deeply spiritual connection to Japan, even though your ancestors were cool Nordic viking guys - he is the embodiment of the heart and spirit of all white gaijin who go to Japan to get out of a “low point” in their lives. Afterall, that is why you have the adventurous heart.

Against overwhelming odds, Nathan Algren stood against a technologically superior foe. This is truly hardcore. You must follow the ways of the gaijin Nathan Algren, and realize that in defeat there is honor. Stick to your principles and you will live on in history as a true samurai warrior. 

Alright, Nathan Algren doesn’t exist. Does anyone remember the hit Tom Cruise movie “The Last Samurai?” - That’s who Nathan Algren is. In real life, he was based off some French guy who is definitely the first weeaboo in history. Well, apart from Yasuke - but Yasuke was a slave and black people really didn’t start getting into anime until the Boondocks came out.

Oh, that French guy was imprisoned and executed for deserting from the military. So, forsake your current duties and run off to Japan just like the best gaijin ever.

Number Three

Yukio Mishima (Slayer of Communists)

Yukio Mishima is a true samurai. He realized that radical leftists had invaded Japan and began to cause the moral decline of their society (see Hentai), and thus realized the only way to stop this moral bankruptcy from continuing is by killing himself by seppuku. 

Sacrifice is an important part of being a samurai. Knowing that you must sacrifice things of great importance will help you on your road to opening your own online t-shirt business. Yukio sacrificed his LIFE in the hopes of making Japan better.

Yukio is also the embodiment of the samurai spirit as he was a renowned poet, author, and academic within the great Empire of Nippon. While having the spirit of a warrior is a great thing for a samurai to have, the spirit of a lover is even more rare and better. 

If you want to be a true samurai, you should go outside and ask the girl you’re into if she wants to go get a cup of coffee. Maybe she can watch the latest hit new anime that has come out. That could be your litmus test to see if she truly is worthy of a samurai’s love.

Number Two

Date Masamune (The One Eyed Dragon)

Date Masamune was EPIC. He had only one eye, so he was practically a real life anime character. He was called the One-Eyed Dragon. WOW! The only one-eyed dragon I know of cannot be shown off in public, and much like a katana needs to be sheathed. Date Masamune is considered one of the greatest Japanese tactical heroes, and he lived during the early Edo period.

When Date was only 14 years old, he led soldiers in a great battle. What were you doing when you were 14? I bet you were doing unproductive things, like “going to school”. Get a GRIP! You need to KILL people by the age of 14 like Date did. That’s what a true samurai would do.

Alright - definitely don’t kill anyone. That’s not cool. But Date didn’t really “murder” people. He was a soldier for his clan, which is like being a soldier fighting for your country right? Would you call Chris Kyle a murderer? I wouldn’t, since I’m a patriot.

American sniper in manga comic book style

Number One

Supreme Girl-Boss Tomoe Gozen

Tomoe Gozen is one of the greatest samurai to ever live. Why? She was an ancient girl-boss, that’s why. In fact, she was the first girl-boss in history (She’s before Joan of Arc). Tomoe single handedly helped create the first Shogunate - showing that girls simply do it better than boys. I tried really hard to find a gay Samurai, but I couldn’t. I actually think they were all probably gay - nothing wrong with that, but I definitely think they had a “spartan” vibe to them.

Interesting factoid, some incel loser told Tomoe he’d rather die with a man at his side than a woman (while he was dying). He said it would be humiliating if he was found dead alongside a woman. So, she was allowed to leave while the two men stayed behind to “honorably die”. It is super bigoted to tell a woman she is not allowed to die with you, and to instead run away. I’m sure all of the #bossbabes out there would LOVE to be brutally killed in a battle.

Tomoe Gozen was an excellent killer. She killed people with a bow, a sword, and many other martial objects. Modern day women typically kill only with plan-b, but maybe they can look up to Tomoe and how strong and independent she is. Tomoe was REALLY into cutting off the heads of her enemies. She would often display them to people.

Those are the top five BEST samurai for you to look up to! As a gaijin, the best thing for you to do is forsake your own history and culture and instead look to other cultures as a way to build your own “unique” identity! Or, perhaps, you can realize that looking up to these people has no true relevance in your own modern life. You can just ignore me, of course - perhaps one day you too will disembowel yourself or be a disgraced soldier!